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I have noticed that I have a built-in defensive mechanism. I keep my apartment disorderly to keep people out of my apartment. If my apartment is messy, then I won’t invite people over (not typically), because I am inherently embarrassed about it being messy. It is a bit of a interesting dilemma. I don’t clean because if I had a clean apartment I would have people over.

Since I moved to DC last year, I have only had 2 people come over to my apartment and in both instances, the individuals were shocked at the state of my apartment. I like to think of it as organized chaos, but it is actually chaos. In BOTH instances the individuals offered to clean my apartment.

I try to figure out why this makes me uncomfortable. In some sense I think it is chipping away at the wall I put up around myself to isolate myself from my dating people. I have no issues about meeting up with people, but I start to squirm when people suggested I host an event at my apartment. So one thing I think I will have to do this year, before the end of the year, is sort out my apartment.

Someone close to me started to help me clean and that was a motivator to keep cleaning. But that has since ended, so I don’t have anyone prompting me to clean anymore or helping me. Maybe if I spent an hour a day tidying, then my apartment would be presentable and I could invite people over? Hmm, something to think about…but do I really want to lower my defenses? It was nice for 1.5 year  to be able to keep people at bay. Made dating very simple…you don’t do it. Because you can’t date if your date can’t visit your apartment.

This rabbit hole is really deep…and dark…and interesting.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 16th, 2009 at 1:29 am and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.